rants

Feeling kinda lousy. Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing ok, somedays I feel like I'm doing great, today is one of those days where I basically feel like shit.

Stumbled upon one of my old classmate's record at work today. Finding the name oddly familiar, I did a double check and realised that it was an old uni mate of mine. 5 years since we both parted ways, 5 years since we both started working. We keep in touch every now and then, maybe once a year or so. He's based overseas, so basically I buy him dinner and drinks when he's back, he'll do the same for me when I visit. I know he's doing well, he was always really one step ahead of me all the time back in the days. I get a B, he would get an A. I get an A, he would get A+. I ended up with 2nd class honors, he grabbed 1st class. Sort of a friendly competition really. We motivated each other to do better.

I just didn't expect him to be doing so much better than me.

I always thought I am just one step behind. Now I realised that I have actually been left far behind.

He's living the expatriate lifestyle I wished about, getting the paycheck I'm still working my ass off for, avoiding all the reservists that I keep getting called up for. This sucks. Makes me wonder what the hell am I doing?!

Working for 5 years now. I wouldn't say I really excelled in work, but I do decent. Not the top, but definitely above the average worker. And I got satisfied with it. I started to accept that a simple life is fine. I have my gal and we spend time, do simple stuff and I thought I am happy with it. I supposed deep inside I'm not, no matter how I try to lie to myself about it. I am still a deeply competitive, deeply materialistic person that measures ones worth through monetary means.

Just applied for a HDB flat last month and was offered to go for selection next week. I was pleased. For a while. Then I realised how much my expectations had dropped. I was happy with a place. Any place. I always thought my first property would come before 30, and it would be a condo. Where I can do my favorite exercise of swimming every single day, maybe even twice a day. Where I do not need to pay season parking for my car. To be fair, I started saving up when I started working 5 years ago, at that time, a suburban condo is going for $500,000 or so. Ironically, my new HDB flat is going to cost me almost that much if not more. And I no longer owned, or have any desire to own a car anymore. With the crazy traffic and ERP everywhere, I pay more to arrive later than by train. Although its a more uncomfortable squeeze, but I realised that I am ok with it now. How much exactly have I digress?

I keep asking myself, have I matured and become real pragmatic? Or have I simply given up dreaming that my life is going to turn out any better than it is now? I honestly do not know how much harder I can work, I'm clock a minimum of 12 hours daily, somedays even more. I work Saturdays, and I even feel guilty not working on Sundays! Despite it all, I'm not even sure if I'm gng to hit half of a MP's 'allowance'. Can someone tell me how I can get that part time job? It's even better than Australia's 'best job in the world'!