random

Not feeling well over the last couple of days. Basically slept the long weekend away.. sigh... after working so hard, thought I can finally have some time to do my personal stuff. oh well..

Thought i would go home earlier to rest since not feeling so good. Ended up reaching home after 9pm. sigh...

But I spent some time talking to a colleague. Someone junior who I can see works really hard, but is not getting the results that others are getting. Kinda reminded me of myself when I was just starting out in the industry. Unlike me though, he asked. And unlike my seniors back then, I shared and taught.

I remembered back then, I never really asked anyone anything. I tried initially, but very soon I realised, being in a sales role where a newbie is potentially your competitor, the culture is such that the seniors either can't be bothered to even talk to you, or will only teach you the bare minimum, or worse, teach you the wrong things on purpose. I'm kinda glad to be out of that kinda environment.

Speaking of environment, my current workplace is a surprisingly comfortable environment to work in. Despite some hiccups and the obvious sales vs all other departments problems, I have enjoyed working here thus far as compared to my previous workplace. Less politics, less stress, more bonding. Pretty lucky and happy to end up where I am, its just the sales targets that are killing me.

I wonder how long it can last though.

Obviously when the numbers are not there, the stress will come in, and attrition will kick in soon. Then its a whole new process of getting used to new people again. I wonder how many more times I will go through this cycle.

Meet with an old friend for lunch today. Things seemed to be going well for him. Having been working overseas pretty much half the time over the last couple of years, he's finally getting his posting back to Singapore soon. He's planning his wedding and its going to be 2 days before my birthday. haha

Started talking about housing and costs of living and inevitably, on the upcoming elections. He seemed to be very optimistic about change coming along soon. I, however, is not feeling so. I just hope we don't end up with just one opposition seat for the next 5 years.

Finally booked a flat today. A cool half million for a HDB flat. Sigh... Seriously doubt its going to have any resale value or significant price appreciation for this area, its probably going to be another one of my poor investment choices. 80% loan at 2.6% HDB HL rate for 30 years. Monthly installment ~$1600/mth. 400,000 compounded 30 years equivalent ~$860,000. Seriously craaaaaaazy.....

End of the day, I suppose I should stop thinking of it so much of an investment but more as a home. Even if it never appreciates in price, I suppose its somewhere I'm willing to live in until I die. Welcome to a life of mediocrity, a life of middle income class.

Gotta start working harder. 3 more years to completion, 2 more years at most for me to really start saving up. Earn as much as I can, hopefully by then I would have upped my corporate rank and basic pay so that can move on to the next stage into a less stressful department and still have a comfortable enough income to maintain the lifestyle i want a family.

A family... kinda a scary thought.

By the time the house is completed, need to get married...... so.. finally came to this...

The thought of it is pretty daunting. I'm always someone who values privacy. I love being alone, hate crowds, doesn't like socializing. All the wedding dinners, ceremonies, photo taking etc... the thought of it alone is enough to put me off.. add to it the yearly cny dinners, birthdays, festives and what nots... its like my perpetual nightmare x2.

I wish I didn't have to go through all these.

But that's how life is I suppose..

That's how my life is now and going to be.

This is it.

I wish I still dared to dream.

Thoughts on CNA TV debate forum

Touted as first time ever in Singapore, unedited, uncensored. It got me all excited staying in on a Saturday night to catch it. Honestly, I was kinda disappointed but I probably got my hopes up a bit too high. Some positives to take away from the whole show though, and it certainly changed my opinions on some of the parties involved. A very good writeup on the performance of the participants are provided here Just like to add some individual comments.

Vincent Wijeysingha from SDP really wooed me. To me and I believe alot of other Singaporeans, the SDP is a party characterized by CSJ. Love him or hate it, its a there isn't much middle ground. Often seen as extreme and attention seeking party by many, I'm pleasantly surprised to see someone like Vincent who speaks well, calm and collected, making decent points for us to think about along the way and backs up his arguments with facts instead of succumbing to emotions. Based on the performance of all present at the debate, he would get be the one getting my vote. 9/10

Minister Tharman was pretty decent too. The 2nd best performance in the entire debate. Calm, speaks clearly, and comes across as sincere and genuine. Didn't say anything that we haven't already heard but doesn't come across as snobbish at all which is not something I can say for most PAP candidates. 8/10

Gerald Giam from WP did decent. Not spectacular, seems to show some nerves, but able to articulate and brings his point across. Nowhere as witty as Vincent from SDP, but bring up some valid points and comes across as genuine was well. Does have a mummy's boy feeling though. Need more experience and perhaps a stronger guiding hand. 6.5/10

Josephine Teo from PAP came across as scripted and fake to me. Maybe I'm biased, but she seemed to have a condensing look and tone when speaking to the opposition which I personally can't stand. Didn't offer much at all. 4/10

Nazem Suki from SDA looks very uncomfortable. The way he keep looking at the fellow opposition members when he speaks and constantly asking for reassurance doesn't inspire confidence. I ended the show not really knowing what he or his party stands for. 4/10

Lina Chiam from SPP comes away from the debate rock bottom. Honestly, whenever the camera pans to her, I cringe a little. There was this period she totally went blank and tried to blame it on a headache or something which I felt totally disgraceful. Did she fall asleep while the others are talking?? I don't know how I can trust a person like this with my vote. 0/10

rants

Feeling kinda lousy. Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing ok, somedays I feel like I'm doing great, today is one of those days where I basically feel like shit.

Stumbled upon one of my old classmate's record at work today. Finding the name oddly familiar, I did a double check and realised that it was an old uni mate of mine. 5 years since we both parted ways, 5 years since we both started working. We keep in touch every now and then, maybe once a year or so. He's based overseas, so basically I buy him dinner and drinks when he's back, he'll do the same for me when I visit. I know he's doing well, he was always really one step ahead of me all the time back in the days. I get a B, he would get an A. I get an A, he would get A+. I ended up with 2nd class honors, he grabbed 1st class. Sort of a friendly competition really. We motivated each other to do better.

I just didn't expect him to be doing so much better than me.

I always thought I am just one step behind. Now I realised that I have actually been left far behind.

He's living the expatriate lifestyle I wished about, getting the paycheck I'm still working my ass off for, avoiding all the reservists that I keep getting called up for. This sucks. Makes me wonder what the hell am I doing?!

Working for 5 years now. I wouldn't say I really excelled in work, but I do decent. Not the top, but definitely above the average worker. And I got satisfied with it. I started to accept that a simple life is fine. I have my gal and we spend time, do simple stuff and I thought I am happy with it. I supposed deep inside I'm not, no matter how I try to lie to myself about it. I am still a deeply competitive, deeply materialistic person that measures ones worth through monetary means.

Just applied for a HDB flat last month and was offered to go for selection next week. I was pleased. For a while. Then I realised how much my expectations had dropped. I was happy with a place. Any place. I always thought my first property would come before 30, and it would be a condo. Where I can do my favorite exercise of swimming every single day, maybe even twice a day. Where I do not need to pay season parking for my car. To be fair, I started saving up when I started working 5 years ago, at that time, a suburban condo is going for $500,000 or so. Ironically, my new HDB flat is going to cost me almost that much if not more. And I no longer owned, or have any desire to own a car anymore. With the crazy traffic and ERP everywhere, I pay more to arrive later than by train. Although its a more uncomfortable squeeze, but I realised that I am ok with it now. How much exactly have I digress?

I keep asking myself, have I matured and become real pragmatic? Or have I simply given up dreaming that my life is going to turn out any better than it is now? I honestly do not know how much harder I can work, I'm clock a minimum of 12 hours daily, somedays even more. I work Saturdays, and I even feel guilty not working on Sundays! Despite it all, I'm not even sure if I'm gng to hit half of a MP's 'allowance'. Can someone tell me how I can get that part time job? It's even better than Australia's 'best job in the world'!

On smear campaigns against Tin Pei Ling

I'll put this across bluntly. People of jealous of this gal.

I'll put my hand up and admit it. I am jealous of her, I truly am. Because like many of the netizens, I feel that even I could make a better candidate than her. Nothing against her personally, she's probably a nice gal and all, your average gal next door, but its like.. she just lacks depth... What does she stands for? Who is she speaking for? Her biggest regret is not having brought her parents to Universal Studio?! I mean, seriously??? WTF?! Honestly, with people like her as your MP is like having Ris Low as Miss Singapore. It really really doesn't put Singapore in very good light. Is this really the best we got?

Irregardless, she is going to be someone, that apart from keeping her high-paying day job, gets another 'part-time' job that not only is probably going to pay higher than what you are getting in your full time job, YOU, as a tax payer are going to pay for it and there is nothing you can do about it cos of this bloody joke called the GRC.

In essence, the PAP could put their favorite tea-lady from the minister office say in MM Lee's GRC ward. She could be your next MP! So what if she may hail from China and doesn't speak a word of english and never attended school in her life? What are you going to do about it? You can be a degree holder and work yourself to death and chances are you would not be getting more than her 'part-time' job. To add insult to injury, the money you worked so hard to earn, goes into funding the fat paychecks of people like these. Are we suckers or what?! Angry? No, I'm JEALOUS!

Thats why everyone hates her. They want to be in her shoes.

Fukushima 50

I really admire the Fukushima 50 team that is willing to put their lives on the line for the greater good. Instinctively if I were to be placed in the same position, I'll probably tell you that I'm willing to do it too. But realistically, unless I'm bought up in a closed culture like japan, it's very unlikely that I'll feel willing to sacrifice myself. To put it in our local context, would I do it? I probably would have said yes 10 years ago when I still feel a shred of nationalist pride. Not anymore when everywhere I looked are 'outsiders' here to leech off us. I dun blame them. As I have said many times, if there is another country or Govt as stupid liberal in immigration and favoring outsiders as much as ours, I would jump at the chance too.

End of the day, what I'm trying to say here is that as much as I admire the Fukushima 50, chances of me ever being willing to do so have fallen dramatically over the years. Unless the day comes again to make me feel this is my home once again, a home where it's willing to die for me as much as I would be willing to do for it, I'm still gng to be looking for my way out of this shithole

Reservist

2 weeks of reservist passed in a flash. 1 more week to go before heading back to work.

To be honest, I hate reservist. I find that its a fucking waste of my time, esp when I am in a sales role. In sales, you need to find the momentum, to keep building the relationship with your clients, and just when you feel that you are doing so, you are on track, bamm! you're off for 3 weeks of reservist doing some mindless fuck shit that is going to cost me much more than whatever makeup pay you can give me. I dun care about some $9000 that I will get for serving 10 years of reservist. Its not even in cash, while I would gladly hand over $9000 or even $18,000 in CASH to the government to stop bothering me and leave me alone! I have already given up 2.5 years of my youth, watching me fall behind my female and other foreigners classmates. Its still not enough and you are fully intent to suck another 10 years out of me. WTF?!

I was IT trained back in the days, and given the speed IT moves, after my NS, all I have is a diploma cert that is nothing more than a irrelevant piece of paper and zero working experience, which of cos puts me at a major disadvantage. So what if I had 'sacrificed' my youth to the nation? What do I get in return? Does any employer care? So what if I had gotten a grading of 'Outstanding' in my NS certificate of conduct? Do you have any 'real life' working experience? They used to say that army makes you a man, well, I can't refute that in all honesty. I have never ever felt like a failure anytime in my life until after army when I tried to find work. Every employer puts me down until I almost believed I am a failure. I'll never forget an interviewer telling me that they can get a graduate with experience from overseas for lesser than what I would cost them, so why should they hire me? Sigh... those days were past. My angst are gone. More or less. Somehow I ended up in a different industry, something that I don't really have a passion about, something that I never considered myself doing, but thankfully, I'm still doing decently. I do often wondered though, how things might have been if I had been given the chance to pursue my passion....

Still, life goes on irregardless, so I do try to find positives in it. I try to take reservist as my annual 'vacation' off from work to recharge and restrategise. I get to meet old friends and new people. I get to get my mind off work for a while. I get interesting views, ideas and perspective from different people, people that I may only meet once a year, or maybe even once in my lifetime. People from different age groups from those very young (just ORD) compared to those that are older (gng to ROD). I don't really have a chance to do so in my social circle, most of my peers are around my age give and take a few years, so its kinda refreshing.

I do miss being young though. Reservist makes me feel, or rather, realised that I'm getting old. Where our topics back then was girls and partying, now its about housing, marriage and kids. The place though makes me feel as if I've stepped into a time wrap. Back to the time where there are no camera phones, no 3G/internet. Newspaper are shared around, amusements can be found in the simplest of things. Back then we are gathered in the 'yellow box' (smoking area) dreaming of our future, 8 years later, we are still standing in the same 'yellow box', but no more dreams. Everyone of us knows how harsh the reality is already, and we're all doing our best to survive in it.